I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
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*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?