[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
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Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
North and South
Mmmm. Shoeshi
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.