boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
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Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
drew a comic about my origin story
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.