How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
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CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart