In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
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I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Sunday
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.