Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
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Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse