INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
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Bill is short for Billiam
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right