no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
You Might Also Like
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Previously On Persistence 😎
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!