Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
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SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.