LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
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you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Woke up against my better judgment again
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.