Oh the world we live in…
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i installed a ceiling fan in my room
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.