GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
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Greeting humans vs their dogs
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
That’s fair
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.