Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
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The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
vegan witches, happy halloween!
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
where’s Godzilla when we need him