If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
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Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
They also CAN sing✌️
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)