Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
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My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Don’t snitch tag.
Twitter is an abusement park.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.