elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
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Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
He-man has a Masters degree
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.