If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
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If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
drew a comic about my origin story
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]