Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
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“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Sponch
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”