If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
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Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Happy Caturday!
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
I’d hang this in my house.