It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
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This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
I hate when that happens.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.