I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
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If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
What the hell is going on?
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
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