oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
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I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.