[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
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Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.