It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
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I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.