ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
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I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs