By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
You Might Also Like
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
🙅🏻
Only Americans understand
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.