My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
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Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.