Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
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The Backseat Boys
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world