My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
You Might Also Like
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?