*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
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TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Same pineapple, same
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?