[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
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Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.