Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
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I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
I need to get some bricks…
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
How I like cutting carbs
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this