I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
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Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.