“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
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Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Just a friendly reminder!
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Oops
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
i have one speed and it’s mosey
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)