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CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
True freaking story!
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Coffee for people with no kids
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe