Me: …
Dog: …
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Dog: …
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Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
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Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x