For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
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Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
twitter is a journey
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
My Guy
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS