Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
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My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
They’re stuck in your pants?
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife