Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
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When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”