Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
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[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.