The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
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The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
This January has 47 Mondays