You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
You Might Also Like
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam