Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
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Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.