At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
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two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.