[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
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I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo