‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
You Might Also Like
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: 鈥淥ne of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
God: you鈥檙e my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 馃榾
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who鈥檚 my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that鈥檚 cool 馃檨
God: oh he鈥檚 super duper cool
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 馃檨
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I鈥檓 gonna order later isn鈥檛 here yet?
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Welcome to your 40s: you鈥檙e not exhausted that鈥檚 just your face now.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one