Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
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ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???