[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
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My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?