Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
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Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
I love the National Park Service.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Pass gas, not judgment.