‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
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This can never not be funny 😭😭
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
how to have an accident 101
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.